The trutH
Subtitle
Blog
When I'm 25 years of age
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I've never ever thought about me being any age over 25 because I've always known that this world is'nt the life for me. This year is the most important because I've always known that there's nothing in this world for me to live for.Especially since bleach was cancelled,my animal collective rare playlist is lost,all genre's of music are getting more and more worse along with the movies and TV shows.As an addition to that,most of all,living in a shelter is way too prison-like in my opinion.Or perhaps I won't even make it to 25.All I sure about is if I have over 500 dollars saved up after I have all of the items I want on my wish list,I'm gonna commit suicide for as soon as possible because my doctor is very old and the clock is ticking until he retires and I left without having the privilege of receiving pills to stay on SSI.Hopefully he doesn't do so before the end of this year.
Antisocial
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When I think of the type of friend I want,I'm thinking of someone to come over and watch TV or play video games with.We would talk about our opinions on the things we watch but what else is there besides that.I don't understand how people can talk for hours about mutual friends,sports,or other famous people.What I want out of a relationship is to have children and focus on raising them and spending quality time together with my girlfriend.But I can't afford a relationship money wise.Where would I get the money for the ring or pay the electricity when its to high,I have no car or job.Its just to much.The only reason I want a friend is to take pictures together,possibly be roomates and go on trips togther.No one has ever really wanted to hang out with me or let me do so with them.I started out talking to myself because I had no friends or any kind of entertainment and because of that I couldn't relate to my friends conversations.The only things I like was rapping and listening to rap music.I was talented enough to make money doing rap.My hypothesis of my life had I not had abusive parents is that I would have most likely had a fro in all of my pictures,tons of friend photo's,alot of rap footage or recordings and a bunch of friends because of talent in art and rap.One thing I'm not so sure about is my education wise.I've always been terrible at school.Come to think of it,I would have never met any girls to have sex with if had gone where I thought I blong which was special ed.Just like how I was lucky to have made it to the 12th grade and did'nt deserve to,I lucked out again on getting to live a normal life on my own even though I don't desrve it as well.
No more doubting
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I am so lucky to be in the position I'm in.I've come to my senses and realized that I've always had good luck when it comes to getting by in my life .So I'm gonna stop worrying and truly believe that there's no way I'm going back to the shelter this year and that I'll be on SSI atleast until my doctor retires.I feel so excited with the weight lifted off of my shoulders.I'm still doing better than everybody because being happy is what matters the most.I get to sit back and enjoy life job free.I don't think having friends would make my life any better.The only thing thats bothering me is not having a cat.Getting my own mp4 player sholud also make life alot more easier to cope with.I wish I could just listen to music for hours at a time like I use to.I just want to fit in with everyone wardrobe wise.But more than anything I want to accomplish plan b if for whatever reason I get stuck in the shelter with no SSI.Which is jumpig off that 25 story hotel balcony.I know that there's no way that I can live from that high of a jump because I've witnessed on the real life footage of "faces of death 4" a man dying instantly from a 22 foot jump which is no where near high as 25 storys.Its just a matter of me saving it.All I need is untill april to stay on SSI and then I'll be able to save the money I need for that to work out.My changed attitude for this New Year's resultion is to be only focused on saving up for that hotel money to end my life this year.And fuck everybody else. because I'm better off without them
Getting through it
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I always go through these phases where I get stuck doing nothing for most of my time being awake when I finally get something I desperately want.Which doesn't make since because the times I did'nt have anything to do all day,moments like the time I was playing Dragon ball z all day long is all I can think about. I need to force myself to spend all of my awake time on cartoons and sleeping less during the day.It's better to spend my time wisely instead of wasted.I hope everything is gonna be alright.
Cleansing phase
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So I just got my very own internet installed today but I still can't shake the feeling of wanting to cry.There's just a few certain thoughts and memeries that keep going around in my head.One of the biggest ones is my regret for leaving my dads house but the constant starving and banging drove me crazy.It was all just too unbearable to handle.But atleast I would have been garunteed a place to stay.Most of all he was gonna make me cut my hair for a job which was the worst out of everything.Then there's this constant possibility's of what could have been great for my life,which is the girls.Somany were throwing them selves at me and I did'nt get to take any pictures with them or do anything sexual.Chardae never forgot about me for the longest so I cant stop thinking about her the most.The suspense of me waiting for my doctor to give me my shot as the first thing he does which prooves he still thinks I need it is killing me because my SSI depends on it.It would mean the world to me if I could just finally reach my goal of having long hair again.But it should'nt be the length I want it to be untill the end of this year.If it was'nt for that guy in the shelter cuttinng the front and back so much my hair would look very close to how I want it to.None of this is fair.I geuss all I can do for now is sleep for most of the day and watch anime for most of the night untill I fall asleep.Hopefully if eveverything goes well I could even reach my goal of owning a ps2 with all of my old games I wish to have along with it this year.
Everything needed to live the life of my dreams
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Once I get my cable company internet I can watch chromecast on my flat screen to watch any movie or series I want,without the constant music playing I can focus and think or sleep more often,when I get the playstation 2 plus the playstation 4 I can own 90% of the games I want along with the television with jax,Trevor and I can be like the new French Montana and Max b,when I get a big fan base my reputation will be increased where it should be,when I get all my clothes I can go out looking better than everyone else,once I get my own apartment I would be just like everyone one else except no job needed,I can upload all of my favorite songs I can remember to play any song I’m in the mood for on the playstation 4 to relax for hours to pass the time and recording myself having sex with alot of women of all color,age,shapes,and sizes.
Theres a 50% chance you wont like me,Theres a 100% chance I wont change because of it.
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The picture above shows animage of my soul right now.I'm depressed because my life is equivilent to being in a prison right now.I'm stripped of the privilegesof using the internet,chromecast and my music media on playstation 4.Once I move into my own apartment which will be very soon,I'll have my life back again.But once I live by myself that will be the end of all my troubles because.I will have the freedom to do whatever I want of free wiil whenever.I will never be bored again.
